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Given by a-murmuration
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a-murmuration
Mar 25, 2015
4:27 pm
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stupetetgaudet
Feb 15, 2015
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Jake-Sjet
Jan 8, 2015
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Adorael
Dec 28, 2014
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Activity


There is tension here
in the thick of our bond--
a place out of myth
a corridor between worlds.

I look to you, a
many-headed dryad,
with
tender-knotted faces
peeking now and anon
from the edifice of an emblem
unto itself, an emblem
rooted, though green.
With outer limbs
that quake
at a breath, at
the whisper
of storm.

I, myself, I am confused.
A gusting, tenuous elemental
gone golem.
Nature bent back to artifice.
I have a face of gathered pebbles,
reflective facets
that wink and glimmer
only sometimes
as I choose.
Mostly people view me through
one or two (of them)
but your many heads hold
also
many of my worlds,
as though trapt
and cherished
in their myriad
liquid, tearing eyes.

Does the truth make my company lonely?
It must.
Saying not is just a flattering
sough of branches, a screen
of shade to keep
from searing.
You know it’s not so bad to admit
that you bleed:
there is beauty
and healing in the sap that limns
your grooves, each and every
remembered wound.
Remember your liquid eyes—
You have souls where
that blood pools.

I think sometimes
(just between we monsters),
that I’m the more human,
and perhaps
the worse for it, too.

When I say ‘you’ I mean plural.
(as do you, when you
say ‘I’.)
Your many voices are
rings
well-and-woodily bounded
into a layered yet earth-sure
topiary. Yours is…
a natural queerness
and though
you won’t believe it,
I must.
(I do.)

But by ‘me’ I mean
a lone, burdened locus
in flux--
a theory donned,
an imperative
all this lovely hued dust,
(the breath of your lives
and all else’s),
coalesced and coalesces in.
I am one with the world
and its torments
And though that world try
to embrace you
I can’t focus my gaze
the way you can.
Can’t keep my honesty simple—
God, I can barely
keep it honest.

(And so here it goes,
my poem long, longer longest
spinning all out of gyre
and composure.)
My point is one
about resolutions.
Still, you can see
can’t you?
The exultation buried
in my verse, also?
Passion akin to
those invisible roots
which ground, which
tether that long longed-for
belonging.

From the
world to you to the worlds
in me and back,
it’s a simple feeling.
It’s an illimitable spell
cast by rituals of
apportion.
My mouth full of
stones cannot break it.
No matter how hard
they, my fumbling tongue,
might cast.

And, though reason
being reason
would so oft-rationalize
our kinship into
false resemblance,
if we close our eyes,
and quiet our minds,
and spread ourselves
into
the spell… ah,
then
we will understand.
Though incognizant,
we will understand.
Letting… go.
It’s how
we become more
than half-present ghosts,
we become something
more than monsters
in the corridor.

But, and yet—
there is tension, here…
denouements
just a poem-- will have a short story and peek around at some stuff soon
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202 deviations
I haven't enjoyed something you wrote this much in a while. You do so love building civilizations that work-- your passion for them, for the ideal of functionality, comes out in your writing. Also, the man in this chapter is very well done. The personalities you craft are always striking but typically you do that with flamboyant or well-archetyped figures. There's something more subtle in the quiet wisdom and humility of the main character here. I loved him dear by the end of the piece as a result. One final word of praise-- the hidden facet of the seal was positively amazing and I really liked the unique use of a kracken as a noble symbol of a guild. Forget lions and eagles and adders.

So, having issued three points of congratulation it's only fair I issue three of critique, though that's always less fun:

First, you lean a lot toward basic, vague words (the tests, etc.) and use the passive tense extensively. Both of these can make it harder to understand what you're communicating at first. As you proof read searching for the very most specific word and trying also to put things as succinctly as possible with active rather than helping verbs is the best policy. (Now if I can only practice what I preach.)

Second is just that since Atlantis is a thriving civilization, there must be a price. I'd like to see how you dealt with hinting at that cost-- whether it be imperialism, mercantilism, etc.

Third, the boy's personality started to come through at the end, and I found his idiosyncrasy quite endearing. But I found his origins story and his place, his role in the present narrative hard to piece together while I was reading (this might have to do with critique 1).

Either way, smashing job on this. I hope to see more of it. (I have such a weakness for assassins; you spoil me. That and I think an assassin's guild will let you show off the best of that mind of yours-- noble ideals tempered and sometimes crippled by pragmatics.)
This poem is quite strong, and you kept it succinct as well (ever the hardest thing to accomplish). At first I wasn't sure what work the first stanza was doing besides looking pretty, but when I reread slower I realized it was a rather lyrical way of establishing a creation story without any glamour. And it sounds much better than the overused 'primordial soup' and 'accident'. I have two main critiques.

The first is that 'worshiped at the flag' takes away from the focus on individualism. It evokes the thought of nationalism, which is often more of a collectivist ethos. So I might replace flag with something more illustrative.

On a related note, if you were to add anything I would suggest a stanza or a line that sort of captures the end result, the shape, or the appearance of the disease you're pointing to in the self-centered worship.

Still, this is my favorite bit of writing from you in a while. Keep it up.

Radical is Updated!

Journal Entry: Fri Dec 26, 2014, 11:27 AM


This means that the prologue, Radical [0] and chapter one Radical [1] are fully polished and edited; and Radical [2] has been finished (it turned out as long as both the previous sections put together). The plot is beginning to pick up too; so hopefully the lot of you can enjoy that now that I'm finally focusing. 

Soon I should also be delving into :iconjake-sjet: 's work as well, so I encourage everyone reading to do likewise. He's been working especially hard of late. Additionally, his work is always a mixed bag-- one might say a menagerie-- that rarely disappoints. 

Because I've been getting much better about time management I'm hoping to update more reliably as well. But I've sung that song and done that dance before so we'll see. The only reason to hold out more hope this time is, I suppose, that my winter break is pretty damn long. 

In the meantime, I want to thank :icona-murmuration: for encouraging my projects and giving me things to do that helped me get back in the swing of writing. Being a steady friend is in there too but I won't get sloppy here.

  • Listening to: Rome
  • Reading: The Best of British Fantasy 2013
  • Watching: Peaky Blinders
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Awakening
  • Eating: Green Bean Casserole
  • Drinking: Coffee

deviantID

tatterdema1ion
Christina
Artist | Student | Varied
United States
I'm a human being, and that is all you'll ever need to know.

If you have questions or requests for critiques then I'm open to accepting notes.
Interests

Radical is Updated!

Journal Entry: Fri Dec 26, 2014, 11:27 AM


This means that the prologue, Radical [0] and chapter one Radical [1] are fully polished and edited; and Radical [2] has been finished (it turned out as long as both the previous sections put together). The plot is beginning to pick up too; so hopefully the lot of you can enjoy that now that I'm finally focusing. 

Soon I should also be delving into :iconjake-sjet: 's work as well, so I encourage everyone reading to do likewise. He's been working especially hard of late. Additionally, his work is always a mixed bag-- one might say a menagerie-- that rarely disappoints. 

Because I've been getting much better about time management I'm hoping to update more reliably as well. But I've sung that song and done that dance before so we'll see. The only reason to hold out more hope this time is, I suppose, that my winter break is pretty damn long. 

In the meantime, I want to thank :icona-murmuration: for encouraging my projects and giving me things to do that helped me get back in the swing of writing. Being a steady friend is in there too but I won't get sloppy here.

  • Listening to: Rome
  • Reading: The Best of British Fantasy 2013
  • Watching: Peaky Blinders
  • Playing: Fire Emblem: Awakening
  • Eating: Green Bean Casserole
  • Drinking: Coffee

If you are given a selection of prizes to choose from, you'd select 

44%
7 deviants said Love
19%
3 deviants said Happiness
13%
2 deviants said Immortality
13%
2 deviants said Power
6%
1 deviant said Omnipotence
6%
1 deviant said Utopia

Comments


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:iconv-lee-croasdell:
V-Lee-Croasdell Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2014  Professional Artist
Thank you so very, very much for the watch. I am honored!
Happy Happy..Onion 
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:iconjake-sjet:
Jake-Sjet Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Interesting. Might I ask what prompted the name change and what it might mean?
Reply
:icontatterdema1ion:
tatterdema1ion Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2014  Student General Artist
Xerxes. It's an ahhh pseudonym I picked up for a competition, owing to the fact that there's a certain character I've always admired and which codifies all that I should remember about my personal faults and all that I should accept... so yes.
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:iconjake-sjet:
Jake-Sjet Featured By Owner Mar 18, 2014  Hobbyist Writer
Huum, from a random Google search I can but say one thing: all that glitters is not gold. More often than not its CGI.
Reply
:icontatterdema1ion:
tatterdema1ion Featured By Owner Mar 19, 2014  Student General Artist
Yes typing in Xerxes does get one some interesting results...
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