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Let me say, I like the sequence of events. The prologue, in particular, was striking. The dynamic chase really served to pull the reader in, and one felt themselves sympathizing with the villain already as he spoke to the last of the Caecilians (rather close to Sicilians and they were involved in crime; oh I WAS amused by that). Then, in this chapter, we immediately place the relevance of the event. The main character was a tad surprising (a senator?) and indeed, that too, was great. There are a lot of elements here that you can really build a story with, so I applaud you there. Furthermore, all the mechanics seem in place. You do better with diction and punctuation with ever deviation of yours I read.

My main suggestion involves the development of the world. You seem to have the names of things and systems of government sorted. However, I would like to see more description of the 'bustling city' they are in, as well as some description of the area in which the Caecilians were attempting their escape. Setting helps build the ambiance, of uncertainty in this first chapter or of fright and doom in the last. You should utilize it more. As it is now I'm imagining a generic Greek or Roman-esque city because I haven't much more to go on.

The names are good because they are exotic and help immerse the reader. However, also be sure to make character's names reflect their natures-- ESPECIALLY since they are such alien sounding titles.

And with that, great job. I look forward to seeing more of this particular story, as it seems to encompass one of my favorite themes, justice.
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TheAmericanRealist Featured By Owner Jan 5, 2013  Student Writer
I would like to thank you tremendously for your help. If there is any deviant whose opinion I can take into account, it's yours.

I do indeed want the audience to feel sympathy for the villain, is it is the most realistic thing to do. There is no such thing as black and white, and there are always supporters to a controversial cause.

As for the main character... It fits. The genre I had in mind has fantasy elements, but is more of a suspenseful thriller. For this genre, the typical 'orphan works his way up to fame' story really doesn't work, and is much too cliche for my liking.

More description/world building/setting... Fair enough. I did indeed 'borrow' heavily from Rome for the Empire, Japan for the Northern colonies, and Constantinople for the Southern colonies.

And the idea of justice and moral ambiguity really does intrigue me as well. For that part of the story, I must admit that I read quite a bit of Death Note, and watched a few episodes of Dexter.
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